Blisteringly fast!
Mar. 27th, 2012 12:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ann_leckieSo, I've got a big project I'm supposed to be working on. What does this mean? It means lots of blog posts instead!
I was walking this morning thinking I wanted to say something about exposition, or maybe something about slush, and when I got back I saw this:
Now I want a big button that says "REJECTIONEER." Maybe with a ribbon on it. I would wear it all around everywhere. Most people would be kind of puzzled by it, but the writers, oh the writers would tremble! They would bow before me! ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR!
Or maybe not.
If you want tips on how to be rejected real fast, here are my suggestions. Write a long, rambly cover letter explaining what inspired you to write your story and what it's about. Don't forget to explain just how the story expresses your religious beliefs--use the most hackneyed, lazy phrases you can find so that I know right up front that this story will have all the depth and originality of a greeting card. For extra effect include irrelevant details, like your age, the name of your elementary school lunch lady, and what jobs you've held over the last decade or two. It is extremely important to scatter misspellings and eggcorns strategically throughout the cover note.
The exact length of this cover letter is a delicate matter--too long and reading it is cutting into my rejection time. Too short and it might not be egregious enough to make me bounce your sub back before I've even finished the first sentence of the actual story. There's an art to this sort of thing. Keep trying!
Of course, you could go for the short cover letter. Perhaps nothing more than a salutation followed by a misspelled exhortation to enjoy the story. This has many advantages, but do not forget to address the note to the wrong editor. There is also an art to picking just exactly the right wrong editor.
Then the sub. You'll want to study "The Eye of Argon" here for style tips. But in general, you want to avoid actually starting anything like a plot right off the bat. Muse for several paragraphs about random things--don't make the sentences too good, and don't forget the eggcorns--or you could introduce a whole bunch of characters without making it clear just how they're going to fit into things. If you do have dialogue in that first paragraph or two, make sure none of it actually sounds like human beings conversing. Extra points for using a setting that it's obvious you don't know anything about. And here it helps to know an individual editor's pet peeves. Give me a sub with a bad cover letter that opens with awful sentences introducing a woman who is described entirely in terms of her shapely legs, large breasts, and flowing blonde hair, time that sucker so it comes in while I'm slushing, and Bob's your uncle. You can also get great results using Arthurian literature--but be careful, if you've actually read a significant proportion of more than one pre-Mists of Avalon take on Arthur you run the risk of actually doing something mildly interesting.
NOTE--the timing is the one thing you can't control. (Maniacal laugh. MANIACAL LAUGH!) And David totally lucked out--he didn't follow any of my pro tips. All he really did right was the timing, and that was an accident.
I was walking this morning thinking I wanted to say something about exposition, or maybe something about slush, and when I got back I saw this:
Congratulations go to David Steffen, whose flash fiction story got rejected by PodCastle in a blistering five minutes yesterday. As David said, “I had not even finished updating the entry in my submissions spreadsheet before it got rejected.” The email confirms it: submission at 8:57 a.m., response at 9:02 a.m.
Now I want a big button that says "REJECTIONEER." Maybe with a ribbon on it. I would wear it all around everywhere. Most people would be kind of puzzled by it, but the writers, oh the writers would tremble! They would bow before me! ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR!
Or maybe not.
If you want tips on how to be rejected real fast, here are my suggestions. Write a long, rambly cover letter explaining what inspired you to write your story and what it's about. Don't forget to explain just how the story expresses your religious beliefs--use the most hackneyed, lazy phrases you can find so that I know right up front that this story will have all the depth and originality of a greeting card. For extra effect include irrelevant details, like your age, the name of your elementary school lunch lady, and what jobs you've held over the last decade or two. It is extremely important to scatter misspellings and eggcorns strategically throughout the cover note.
The exact length of this cover letter is a delicate matter--too long and reading it is cutting into my rejection time. Too short and it might not be egregious enough to make me bounce your sub back before I've even finished the first sentence of the actual story. There's an art to this sort of thing. Keep trying!
Of course, you could go for the short cover letter. Perhaps nothing more than a salutation followed by a misspelled exhortation to enjoy the story. This has many advantages, but do not forget to address the note to the wrong editor. There is also an art to picking just exactly the right wrong editor.
Then the sub. You'll want to study "The Eye of Argon" here for style tips. But in general, you want to avoid actually starting anything like a plot right off the bat. Muse for several paragraphs about random things--don't make the sentences too good, and don't forget the eggcorns--or you could introduce a whole bunch of characters without making it clear just how they're going to fit into things. If you do have dialogue in that first paragraph or two, make sure none of it actually sounds like human beings conversing. Extra points for using a setting that it's obvious you don't know anything about. And here it helps to know an individual editor's pet peeves. Give me a sub with a bad cover letter that opens with awful sentences introducing a woman who is described entirely in terms of her shapely legs, large breasts, and flowing blonde hair, time that sucker so it comes in while I'm slushing, and Bob's your uncle. You can also get great results using Arthurian literature--but be careful, if you've actually read a significant proportion of more than one pre-Mists of Avalon take on Arthur you run the risk of actually doing something mildly interesting.
NOTE--the timing is the one thing you can't control. (Maniacal laugh. MANIACAL LAUGH!) And David totally lucked out--he didn't follow any of my pro tips. All he really did right was the timing, and that was an accident.
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no subject
Date: 2012-03-27 07:39 pm (UTC)I'm curious, though: do you get religious ramblings from non-Christians? That would at least be more interesting than my Facebook wall some days.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-27 07:47 pm (UTC)Sadly, no. It would indeed be more interesting than the usual.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-30 05:51 am (UTC)Ah, well.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-27 10:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-28 10:02 pm (UTC)Okay, when I sub to GNS, I am TOTALLY going to mention all of these things. (Though I will have to research the name of my elementary school lunch lady. Ah, research! Maniacal laugh MANIACAL LAUGH!)
no subject
Date: 2012-03-30 02:04 am (UTC)(What color ribbon?)
no subject
Date: 2012-03-30 02:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-30 05:54 am (UTC)Nand'Bren appears in the lastest round of canon (I've gotten INTRUDER in my hot little hands at just this moment) to be going back to his original job as paidhi, with a vengeance. But indeed one would think the Lord of the Heavens ought to have some other colour. And one does wonder if the lordship will pass to anyone after him?
no subject
Date: 2012-03-31 07:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-31 07:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-31 07:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-01 12:28 am (UTC)(It's up for grabs if you wish to use it, of course.)
no subject
Date: 2012-04-01 12:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-01 12:27 am (UTC)Hmmm.....
no subject
Date: 2012-03-31 03:53 pm (UTC)Iirc, the ribbon for Lord of the Heavens was black spangled with silver. (Says the woman who can't recall her father's phone number!)
btw, are you going to WisCon this year?
no subject
Date: 2012-03-31 06:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-02 02:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-04-02 01:36 pm (UTC)